To my Brother,

Despite the years that have passed since you could no longer carry the weight of your sadness, l still find myself oscillating between the raw pain of losing you and the dull ache of missing you. And maybe worse than that I find every day is soaked in guilt.

Losing you felt like losing a significant part of myself - or maybe more accurately, the part of me that you were so integral to crafting became a part of me that was replaced with an angry, bereft shadow of its former self. Grief lives so permanently in my back pocket that I wonder what I’d be without it in the same way I feared what I’d be without you.

Anna,

It's the type of pain that will never end, I'Il miss you forever, my fierce friend.

Your suicide is the most difficult thing I've had to process. I don’t feel it’s my place to tell your story and I find it hard to admit that it’s part of mine.

My best friend Jon

Someone said to me that suicide doesn't remove the pain, it just moves it somewhere else and I've never felt truer words. The pain I feel that your gone is unbearable. You've left a hole in my life that can't ever be replaced. The pain I feel is so strong I don't ever think I'll stop hurting. A huge part of this pain is from the guilt I hold. The night you passed away you reached out to me like you had done so in the past. We had a unique friendship built on us both struggling and reaching out to each other. You always helped me and I always tried my best to help you. The hardest thing is that I knew how much you hurt. We had some pretty big and deep conversations, we trusted each other so much that we could be fully open.

Dear Oskar

I hope you’re at peace. After you left all I kept thinking was that I could’ve done more. So much was going on when you passed, and so much was said and done. For so long I couldn’t accept the way everything was left.

Dear Lauren,

I can’t crawl home to you, Lauren, and I think that’s the worst part. I can’t just phone you like I used to so we can just talk things through. Why does grief have to be so hard? You’re the only person I want, the only person I’d turn to, but you’re not here. So who do I turn to, my dear? Some nights, Lauren, you hardly cross my mind, even though I miss you all the time. How can that be?

My sweet girl,

How is it nearly 4 years since you left. 4 years since I last heard your voice. 4 years since I last received a message or silly Snapchat from you. 4 years since I was able to ask your advice on anything and everything. Life hasn’t been the same since you left, I don’t think it will ever be the same again. I am not the same person I was 4 years. There is a massive Ali shaped hole in my heart, there is sooooo much we need to catch up. So much has happened and I’ve had to do it without you and I just don’t think I’ll ever be okay with that. I know it’s selfish of me to say but my god I wish you had stayed, so much more that you could ever imagine.

To my best,

I miss you. All the time. I miss your loud laugh, your irritating questions and your kindness. You were the fuel that kept things moving, always keen to organise the next holiday or something fun. You challenged me when I needed it and picked me up when I was down. I miss being understood in the way you got me. I don't think I'll ever get used to you not being here. I never thought you'd be the one to go. Somedays I feel like I miss you so much I could just evaporate, other days everything just feels unbearably heavy. I flip between feeling the pressure to live life for the both of us and actually not wanting to move away from this pain in a fear it's like leaving you behind.

Dear M,

I didn't know how intensively I could love a friend until you left. You broke my heart in a way that nobody else did. I know you didn't mean it and I know how much you cared about me.

To my beautiful friend

It has been so long since we last talked. It has been 1095 days since you moved to a better place. I hope you are doing well; I hope you're okay. Life feels so strange. I feel like I don't belong here, I belong where you are.

My Wooage

This is a difficult one to write because despite loving you so much and being my oldest, longest friend- we weren’t in contact when you left us. I worry that you wouldn't want to hear from me, because there was so much pain involved. We went from playing in the same boxes at 18 months old, to hedonistic nights out as teenagers and rambling walks and deep conversation in our late 20s. Then we walked away from each other, through circumstances outside of our control. I never thought we wouldn’t be in each others lives. I always thought we’d figure it out after a break. It wasn’t our fault.

To my friends

I hope that if you start thinking about taking your own life, that you become aware of the people that would miss you. Someone that smiles quietly inside because they see you walk by, someone that likes the sound of your voice or quietly sitting next to you. Someone that notices and likes your style of fashion and is inspired. And I hope you'd see that this someone, these people, might struggle to carry on knowing that you could not. I hope that if you ever start thinking about taking your own life, that life finds it's way back to you. That you know that taking your life is not the only way out of pain and suffering. I hope that you find support and guidance that truly helps you, nurtures you, comforts you.

Dear you,

You know it doesn’t get any easier, minutes, hours and months pass but I think about you every day. Does it feel real? Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. I crave the sound of your laugh, the times we’d spend silent but in one another’s company and your infectious smile.

Dear Ali

During my darkest days you were a bright light despite how much you were struggling too.

To my oldest friend,

It is so hard to put into words all the feelings I have. I just want you to know that it doesn't matter how many years have past, I still think about you any time something good happens in any of our lives, there is a gaping hole where you would be to celebrate all the engagements and promotions (not mine lol). I also think about you everytime something bad or stupid happens.

Dear my wee Scottish pal,

It’s been 2 tarts since you’ve gone and it only feel like yesterday that I got the call, I can still hear the screams in my mum and dad’s kitchen when I close my eyes as that’s where I was when I found out, I miss you mate, it was never meant to end like this

My Bestie,

From the moment you said hi to me on that first day of school, I knew we were going to have something great. I wasn't wrong, either. We were stuck together like glue. Through school, university, studying abroad, jobs, moving homes, falling in and out of love; you and me were a constant.