Dear Karl,

It has been 5 years and this month you would have been 25. After what you put me through prior to your passing, I doubt we would be friends now. You may have achieved your dream of being in medical school to become a GP, one who would listen without judgement, understand and do everything he could to help.

I don't know if I miss you but I do wish you were still alive. I miss your humour. I miss seeing you sit in the garden, smoking and feeding the sparrows. I miss how you were always so kind, so gentle, so ready to help people.

I live my life for you now. I am out of the closet, and proud. I try and help people however I can, support their dreams. No one in my life now knew you, but hopefully they know your spirit and energy through me.

Dear Mum, Dear Bro,

I am angry you left without explaining honestly how you felt and what you were considering and let us help you. I'm angry you didn't fully seek mental health support, when we could have paid.

To my brother

Hi Matt, summer is finally over again and I can start to breathe again. I don’t think I can ever enjoy a summer again no matter how much I convince myself. I think everyone thinks I’m crazy as all I look forward to is Christmas! I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most.

Dear L,

It will have been 6 years since you left in December. That’s crazy, isn’t it? 6 years is a really long time, or at least to me it is.

Dear Daisy,

Life feels strange the older I get and you are still 16 years young. I often find myself thinking about the things you’re missing out on and wonder what person you’d have blossomed into.

Dad,

I don’t think I will ever really be ok without you here. I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled - not with all the money, love, friends or fun in the world, and I am so very sorry I didn’t realise how much you mean to me sooner. I will never forgive myself for that.

To my Brother,

Despite the years that have passed since you could no longer carry the weight of your sadness, l still find myself oscillating between the raw pain of losing you and the dull ache of missing you. And maybe worse than that I find every day is soaked in guilt.

Losing you felt like losing a significant part of myself - or maybe more accurately, the part of me that you were so integral to crafting became a part of me that was replaced with an angry, bereft shadow of its former self. Grief lives so permanently in my back pocket that I wonder what I’d be without it in the same way I feared what I’d be without you.

Dear Dad,

I have spent most of the last 5 years thinking about what I would say to you if I could. We did not say enough to each other when you were still here. I thought I had time. I miss seeing you every weekend and Sundays are still hard for me sometimes.

To my baby brother

It's hard to believe that five years have passed since that fateful day, July 29, 2018. It was the day when you chose to leave it all behind, seeking freedom from the struggles that burdened you. Little did I know that behind your enigmatic smile, you were silently carrying such profound pain.

To my brother Pete

I can’t put my finger on what I miss about you. I often just sit and think about you. I’m lucky to have so many memories of our childhood, and I think about how you always wanted to show me and tell me everything you knew about the world…like you were preparing me the whole time for when you leave. I still use all that you showed me…so you’re never out of my thoughts and I often think. I go fishing to clear my mind, but only think about how you taught me to fish. I listen to music constantly to exercise the emotions that I can’t always show…and it’s always listening to music that you played to me when we were young.

Dear Dad,

I miss you so much it hurts. I am going through such an exciting time in my life at the moment which has allowed me to reflect on my own thoughts and emotions. Whilst I am super happy and grateful to be experiencing what I am, there is just a constant thought in the back of my head of ‘I wish I could tell my dad what’s happening.’

To my brilliant son Lee

Hello beautiful boy, it’s been so long since I’ve been able to hold you tight little man, but of course you’re a big grown up man now. I bet you’re much taller than Dad nowadays.

To my friends

I hope that if you start thinking about taking your own life, that you become aware of the people that would miss you. Someone that smiles quietly inside because they see you walk by, someone that likes the sound of your voice or quietly sitting next to you. Someone that notices and likes your style of fashion and is inspired. And I hope you'd see that this someone, these people, might struggle to carry on knowing that you could not. I hope that if you ever start thinking about taking your own life, that life finds it's way back to you. That you know that taking your life is not the only way out of pain and suffering. I hope that you find support and guidance that truly helps you, nurtures you, comforts you.

Dad

As a child losing a parent to suicide, I feel as though my default setting is guilt and that I could have done more. I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did.

To my oldest friend,

It is so hard to put into words all the feelings I have. I just want you to know that it doesn't matter how many years have past, I still think about you any time something good happens in any of our lives, there is a gaping hole where you would be to celebrate all the engagements and promotions (not mine lol). I also think about you everytime something bad or stupid happens.

To my daddy,

I miss you so much. 8 years without you and my heart hurts.

I have a dad shaped hole in my life but you are my biggest inspiration and I am trying to help people like you. I have done so much over the last 8 years and I would have loved to have had you there with me. But everything I do, you are in my thoughts and I carry your love and strength with me everyday.

You were an amazing man and I will ensure nobody ever forgets the kind, gentle and caring man that taught me so much.

Dear Tom

I was not ready to let you go. I’m not angry with you, how could do I be.

You were the the light of my my life the laughter in my heart, always being daft yet intelligent.

Dad,

It’s taken me a little while to have the courage to write this letter.

In my head I talk to you every day, but somehow having to summarise the last eight years without you didn’t seem possible.

Hello Patrick,

I am sorry we did not get to finish our conversation or that you did not take up my invitation to come and stay for a while.

I know you were angry. I know you were ‘stuck’. I know you had enough.

You were inside trying to reach out….and we were outside trying to reach in.

Beautiful Duncan,

My Darling Duncan, OH how I miss you,I am broken, there are no answers and I will always ask why.Your brother says when we meet again, to you it will be seconds but to us it will feel forever and I won't even care Why you left I will just be so pleased to be with you again.

Dear Russ,

Today would be your 50th birthday and its such a bloody shame we are not sharing a pint and reminiscing about the old days of Park Drive, South Newbarns, 6th form, the Berry and all the rest of the great times we had.

Dad,

There are literally no words to describe the intense pain you feel losing someone to suicide. It hurts just typing it. I never ever thought it would happen to me. And then boom at 20years old I lost my best friend.

I carry the sadness and pain with me everyday and in everything I do. I may not speak about my Dad everyday but the pain, the memories, and his spirit are there.

Dear Brother,

I feel sad and angry you're not here to support me right now. It's not fair that I have to do this on my own. You could have been so helpful in times like this and I understand why it was so hard for you to stay. I don't blame you for why you left. I don't know everything, but I do know you did your best with what you had and what you didn't have.

Dear Simon,

Even though it has been nearly 10 years since your passing away, we would like to reassure you that you are still such an important part of our lives.

A week does not pass when we don’t speak about you  - ‘how much you would love Mia our new dog’, “do you remember coming here with Simon”, “Why do we have all these toolsets Simon gave us, especially as we are hopeless at DIY”.

To my brother,

It’s been so hard to get to a place of acceptance. Accepting that I nor anyone else could have prevented your death. No one saw it coming. There was no obvious signs. You knew you were loved. You were making plans for the future. You knew you would have support if you told us something was wrong.

Yet with all that, you made a decision that nine years later still rocks our family. I grieve your loss. I struggle with the trauma of your death. But I understand that it was your choice in that moment and nothing I or anyone else could have done to change it.

To you Mum,

I'm not even sure what to say, I was never good with words, but you knew that. I didn't need to speak for you to know if I was OK or not. You just knew. I miss that.

F,

I think about you a lot. You left such an impression on me at quite a young age and I've always been so grateful, even though I can't quite pinpoint why. I think it's just because you were just so unapologetically 'you' and you were able to say so much without saying much at all.