Submission 73
T,
The pain of losing you is deeper than I could have ever imagined. Some part of me always questioned if this is how things would end. You lived so much of your life in fear, you were tormented by your mind and you suffered in so many ways. The only comfort I get from your decision is knowing that your mind cannot trouble you anymore, that you have found a peace now that you could never find while you were here.
Submission 72
Momma and Wendy,
Only in recent years did I realise the suffering you both endured in your life. I cannot imagine living through times you did, and I was so lucky to grow up around you as my mother and auntie. For that I was truly blessed and ever grateful.
Submission 71
Tom,
God, I miss you. I miss you every second of every day.People ask the question, is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all….
Submission 70
To my hero, Ewee,
You came into my life 25 years ago at a time when I was very unwell and you were recovering from your own ill health. We fell in love and married 5 years later, 2nd time around for us both. You were everything to me - you were my strength and shield, encouraging me, supporting me; you enabled me to be the me I wanted to be again.
Submission 69
My Darling Brother,
It's been 2 years and 4 months since you departed.
It’s always been you and me, brother and sister .....and the world. We always had each other. Our sibling bond connected us no matter where we were or what we were doing. We were the joint keepers of our childhood memories and that’s so special. Just knowing we had each other here on earth was a constant comfort in our lives.
Submission 68
My big brother,
I often wonder where you are. I wonder if your there in the breeze and I look out into the horizon and tell myself your energy is soaring in the fuzzy bit between the sea and the sky. Because no energy can just disappear right?
Submission 67
Hi Sweetpea,
The sun is out and has been for a few days. You should be sunbathing on your balcony with Freddie on your lap and a beer in your hand.
Submission 66
Dear Anton,
It’s now been 2 years, 3 months and 25 days since you left us. This seems surreal, and very hard to take in. Certainly, the pain of losing you has not ebbed during that time, but remains as fresh as the day we heard that most terrible news, the news that our beautiful boy had gone.
In those early days, weeks, months, even the first 2 years, shock was an ally.
Submission 65
To my best friend
Age 10, you'd run around the playground being Squiff, the blue monster with purple spikes, giving us nicknames and causing chaos.
Age 11 we moved to secondary school together, trudging the halls in huge blazers and buckets of excitement.
Submission 64
Christian,
I love you so much, I'm so sorry that your pain was too much to bear. I do understand though. I understand that you felt you couldn't go on in this way, that there was no way forward. I feel it was a perfect storm...feeling down, leaving your love because, if you disliked yourself so much how could you love another. Then leaving your job, your career. Looking for a way to help yourself, help find yourself through yoga, then the pandemic and your dreams were squashed. Isolation, terrible loneliness then starting treatment. Drugs, inpatient stays.
Even in your darkest moments you thought of us all. How did you do that, I'll always be baffled by that. You dug so deeply. So unselfish.
Submission 63
Dearest Hugh,
This week marks 10 years since you passed away. It’s hard to get my head around that. Somethings have changed; the physical pain of losing you has weakened and I am not stopped in my tracks with a pain in my chest, my breath catching in my throat as often; I don’t wake up in tears from dreams where you are alive as much anymore; I don’t stutter anymore when people ask ‘what happened?’; I don’t fear having to tell people rather, I want people to know that you were more than how you died.
I want people to know that you were the funniest, cleverest and warmest person. When you died, the loudest volume of my laughter died too.
Submission 61
To my beautiful Elizabeth,
I miss you so much. More than I can begin to say.I am so sorry you couldn't come to me and talk, but I see that you didn't want to.
Submission 60
Hey Little Ox,
It's been a year since you decided to end your pain by ending your life...even though so many times you swore to me that you would only ever die by the hand of your god...I have to appreciate that you changed your mind...SO much going on for you, that fucking eating disorder and that cunt that was bullying you for being gay, fuck that ....for being you.
I'm angry yes....but also full of love, love for you and for our friendship and your friendship with Rich....I miss you making me laugh, making everyone laugh and generally being fucking awesome.
Submission 59
Dear Russ,
Today would be your 50th birthday and its such a bloody shame we are not sharing a pint and reminiscing about the old days of Park Drive, South Newbarns, 6th form, the Berry and all the rest of the great times we had.
Submission 58
To Matt,
Quite simply I miss you. Our chats. The laughs. I would give anything for that last hug again.
I didn't know. I never guessed. The pain was physical when I heard the news but obviously nothing like the pain you felt being on this earth. I am so sorry that you felt that this was the only way.
Submission 57
J & A,
J, I can never describe the pain I felt the day you left us. You were kind and funny and beautiful and you had the most infectious laugh. If only you could have felt the love that was all around for you, maybe things would have been different, maybe you'd have made a different choice that night.
A, you couldn't fight your demons anymore and I understand that. Addiction is hard and it is an illness. I don't think you even knew there was a problem til it hit you all at once. We are islands in the stream.
I love you both and will remember you forever. I hope beyond hope that some day, something will change and there will be less stigma and more support for those suffering and those in crisis.
Submission 56
Dearest David,
It’s over forty years now since you died. You’re forever not quite twenty one years old, forever missed like a hole that’s never mended.
I bear the scars of your loss daily and it was so hard to get through and support our parents after you died. For them they could never admit you chose to take your life, for me it was important to acknowledge it.
Submission 55
Sis,
The day I lost you was the day my life changed forever. I never knew you was in this much pain, and I’m so upset that you never told me, and angry at myself for not realising.
Submission 54
Dad,
Firstly, I miss you each and everyday.
I hate the fact you have missed out on seeing me get married, get divorced and have 2 beautiful girls. We talk about you everyday - even though you never met them.
I talk as if you were here, Grandad would have loved this, Grandad would be so proud of you. I am sad for my children, who have missed out on a grandparent.
Submission 52
Dear Johan,
We met when we were 10, we were almost the exact same age with only 20 days between us. We didn't 'take' to one another right away but over time, we grew close. We spent an intense few weeks together before you joined the South African army at the age of 17 to serve in Angola - a horrible war. We agreed to write to one another and we did - regularly.