Submission 70

To my hero, Ewee,

You came into my life 25 years ago at a time when I was very unwell and you were recovering from your own ill health. We fell in love and married 5 years later, 2nd time around for us both. You were everything to me - you were my strength and shield, encouraging me, supporting me; you enabled me to be the me I wanted to be again. You were the best step dad to my children, the best dad to your children, a thoughtful son to your dad and sister, and you were always doing something to help others. Having a strong moral code was so important to you - I loved you for that.

Not once did I take you for granted, Ian. I was always mindful about how much you gave of yourself to me. I loved you so very much, and do so still, even though I find accepting what you did so very difficult. I know you loved me - you told me so often. I knew you were wanting to end your life though and I encouraged you to talk about your feelings. I ensured you saw the GP and the crisis team. You even saw a psychiatrist but you fell through the gaps, didn't you, my darling. The service you needed failed you, and I wasn't strong enough to fight for you.

I was so frightened Ian. I know I was defending against my own insecurity as I held back from you. I felt helpless and vulnerable as I tried to make life as normal as it could be but couldn't seem to reach you. You did turn a corner - or were you just hiding it better-then the PCLW rang asking you to call him in 6 weeks. He didn't ask if you were suicidal. I was not happy but you said it was OK. As much as I wanted to, I didn't feel I could undermine you then- you still had a right to agency.

The next morning you were so distressed. You were shaking and very agitated. I gave you a hug and told you to get into bed while I made some tea, then we would call the Crisis Team. On my return 10 minutes later, I found you had tried to end your life. 6 days later we had to let you go.

Ian, it may be 5 years ago, but writing this brings it all back. I know you wanted your peace and I know you had a right to reach that peace, but my questions still go round - could I have done more? Did I love you enough? Logically, I know I couldn't yet emotionally I can't let go. I will never let go of you, Ian. My life is so very difficult now but I don't blame you. I will love you always and forever.

Until we meet again, my darling
Your wife
Jackie xxx