Dearest Christopher

Five years, two months and two weeks. The love, loss, guilt and anger I feel will be with me until I draw my last breath.

To my beautiful son,

The day you decided you couldn't live anymore with the pain and thoughts in your head, was the day part of me died too. I will forever ask why and although I'm told that it wasn't my fault, I blame myself for what you did.

Dear J.J

What can I say? Three years have passed since you left us. Yes we’ve done our best to stay strong as you wrote in your note. Life has not been easy, it’s been easier to talk about you but the tears still flow. We have raised money for suicide prevention awareness. We struggle whenever our routine changes or life throws us a curveball. Our resilience is not what it used to be. Dad has been researching philosophy in the hope of finding an answer. It’s taken it’s toll on him. We love and miss you as much as ever.

Dear Chris

Chris, can’t tell you how much I miss you and miss your love and hugs. You did suffer from a little boy after being assaulted by that boy causing huge problems for you. The OCD took over. I wish I could’ve done more to help and relieve you. I miss your bear hugs and your visits with Winnie. Don’t know how the covid lockdown would’ve been for you. I hope you would’ve come home. I dream of you a lot and imagine you looking down with dogs and other animals around you. Can’t think of never seeing you again.

Dear Adrian

Hi Adrian, it is that time of year when we should be celebrating your birthday. The 27th September 1984 is when you arrived into the world and the 7th April 2019 is when we lost you. You are thought about and missed everyday.

To my brilliant son Lee

Hello beautiful boy, it’s been so long since I’ve been able to hold you tight little man, but of course you’re a big grown up man now. I bet you’re much taller than Dad nowadays.

Darling boy

It’s been four months and eight days since that summers day in August when you left us behind.

The days don’t get easier I wish I could say they did but they don’t well at least not for me.

To My Darling Boy

Your death has no explanation, all I know for sure is that I will never see your beautiful blue eyes, feel your huge hugs or hear your voice again.

Dear Tom

I was not ready to let you go. I’m not angry with you, how could do I be.

You were the the light of my my life the laughter in my heart, always being daft yet intelligent.

My baby

My beautiful baby, I am so sorry that you felt that much pain,I am so sorry that you gave up when you had so much potential . I would have made it all go away , I always did and always would.

My Darling,

I am so very sorry for letting you down. I didn’t see the pain you were in. You ask for forgiveness but you don’t need to be forgiven, it is I who needs forgiveness. I have let you down.I was the one person who you should have been able to talk to. The one person you should have been able to be open with. But I failed, I failed to have the openness between us that would have let you be able to open up to me.I miss you every minute of everyday.

Dear Loz,

I didn't think I'd make it through this past year. Losing you has blown a hole in our family. It has blown a hole in my heart. I don't think you could possibly have understood the devastation we feel that you are not here with us. And no matter how many times people tell me it wasn't my fault, I still feel so guilty. I'm your mum, how could I not? I still relive that last week, every moment, wishing with all my heart there was a way to change what happened.

J.J

Just over 2 years have passed since you left us. There’s been so much you’ve missed getting your degree which your university still sent out, meeting your new nephew and seeing your other niece and nephew start new schools.

Beautiful Duncan,

My Darling Duncan, OH how I miss you,I am broken, there are no answers and I will always ask why.Your brother says when we meet again, to you it will be seconds but to us it will feel forever and I won't even care Why you left I will just be so pleased to be with you again.

Dear Anton,

It’s now been 2 years, 3 months and 25 days since you left us. This seems surreal, and very hard to take in. Certainly, the pain of losing you has not ebbed during that time, but remains as fresh as the day we heard that most terrible news, the news that our beautiful boy had gone.

In those early days, weeks, months, even the first 2 years, shock was an ally.

Christian,

I love you so much, I'm so sorry that your pain was too much to bear. I do understand though. I understand that you felt you couldn't go on in this way, that there was no way forward. I feel it was a perfect storm...feeling down, leaving your love because, if you disliked yourself so much how could you love another. Then leaving your job, your career. Looking for a way to help yourself, help find yourself through yoga, then the pandemic and your dreams were squashed. Isolation, terrible loneliness then starting treatment. Drugs, inpatient stays.

Even in your darkest moments you thought of us all. How did you do that, I'll always be baffled by that. You dug so deeply. So unselfish.