Dad,

I’ve been questioning myself on what this letter means. Unlike most of the letters I’ve read so far I didn’t really get the chance to know you. Maybe that’s a blessing, although it never truly felt like that was the case.

Dear Dad

It is thirty years since you took your life, and I am finally “coming to terms with it” if that is ever possible. I was ten and had not seen you for five years. You have always been a distant yet integral part of my life. I recall your sister coming to my house and speaking with Mum at the front door. Later that day Mum told me that you had died, but not how. I did not know how to process this moment so the first thing I asked was if I could go and play with my friends. I seem to have repressed all the memories of our time together, except one. You and Mum had separated, and you were looking after me and we were in a shop, we had just left, and a security guard came running down the street. He stopped and searched you and discovered a bottle of Whiskey you had stolen. We then went back to the shop and the police were called and we were escorted in a police car to the station. I recall a female police officer showing me around the station whilst they interviewed you.

To my most precious Dad

How strange it feels to write that after all this time, that makes me ache. It has been 16 years, almost to the day, since you left. I used to write you letters constantly after you died, did you ever read them?

Dear Dad

I lost you when I was too young to comprehend why you were gone. A seven year old girl had to grow up too fast and knew too much darkness way too young. The word suicide shouldn’t have meant anything to me, but it meant everything.

Dear Dad,

It’s been 17 years without you now and some things become easier and some become harder. People say the pain never lessens but it does, the rough waves just become further apart and there is more time to breathe before the next one crashes.

Dad,

It’s been 16 years since you left us, and yet sometimes it still feels just like yesterday. I go through stages of being ashamed of still grieving, then other times I am more gentle with myself and accepting that I will probably grieve forever.

Dear Dad,

There are no good words to include in such a letter. Various emotions mix with each other, I can't even arrange them properly in my head. A letter or even many letters is definitely not enough to tell about over 10 years of life. There will be no dialogue, which is what I would like the most. It is impossible to talk with a letter. At least 5 minutes with you to learn a few things - that's what I would love to have.To this day, I often ask myself a few questions.

Dear Dad,

The last time we spoke you knew you were going to be a Grandpa but you couldn’t hold on long enough to meet your beautiful granddaughter.

Dad,

Firstly, I miss you each and everyday.

I hate the fact you have missed out on seeing me get married, get divorced and have 2 beautiful girls. We talk about you everyday - even though you never met them.

I talk as if you were here, Grandad would have loved this, Grandad would be so proud of you. I am sad for my children, who have missed out on a grandparent.