Living for Theo: Love After Loss

My name is Kacey,  I lost my boyfriend, Theo, to suicide. It shattered my world in a way I can’t fully put into words. Every morning, I would wake up and, for a split second, forget—then the reality would hit me like a wave all over again. He was gone, and there was nothing I could do to change it.

I was consumed with flashbacks to the day it happened. Night after night, I couldn’t sleep—my mind replaying every detail, my chest heavy with panic. I remember walking through each day with a constant sick feeling, wondering how I was supposed to keep living when he couldn’t.

Being in public was unbearable at times. I’d see people laughing, smiling, living their lives freely, while inside I felt completely broken and traumatised. It was like the world had kept turning when mine had stopped. Even on the rare moments I found myself laughing or achieving something, guilt would immediately swallow me up—like how dare I feel joy, when Theo couldn’t.

What made it even harder was how unseen I felt. Because we were so young, people didn’t always take my grief seriously. To me, he was my whole world, my future, my everything. But at times it felt like others saw our relationship as something less, and with that came the painful feeling of being unheard and invalidated in the depth of my loss.

Grief after suicide is a loneliness I wouldn’t wish on anyone. People around me often seemed to tread carefully, unsure of what to say, and while I knew they cared, I also knew nobody could really understand the weight I was carrying. The heartache, the guilt, the emptiness—it was constant, and at times I truly didn’t know how I could continue.

But even through the pain, I hold onto him. I’ve realised that I want to live for Theo now—to carry him with me in everything I do. I keep close with his family and friends, because in them I see parts of him, and it helps me feel connected. I share his memory whenever I can, and I try to make choices that would make him proud.

I share my story not because it’s easy, but because it’s real. The truth is, suicide loss is complicated, messy, and brutal. But love doesn’t end with death, and even in the darkest moments, it’s that love for Theo that keeps me going.

For Theo

I was only twenty-one,

when the world collapsed beneath me.

I see the world smiling,

while I walk broken.

We were young,

and they did not always understand

that you were my everything—

my love, my life,

my imagined forever.

Now, I live for you.

In every step, every breath,

I carry your name.

I hold close your family, your friends,

so that pieces of you

still live around me.