Growing Up Without You
Comfort & Discomfort - despite being two polarising states, they can coexist in perfect harmony.
Nothing prepares you in this life that everything can change in an instant. One moment, you can live in an ideal world, going through the same routine motions, and suddenly, everything can change like a light switch. We all, at some point, experience this feeling where we are plodding along this straight road that we call life, and suddenly are greeted with a sharp turn that changes our entire perspective on the world, life & the values we hold dearly within it.
This happened to me. On September 3rd, 2009, I got up like any other day. It was the start of a new academic year & I was entering Year 5. New Year, New Perspectives, New Challenges, New Opportunities to chase & MOST importantly a new pencil case with new pens and pencils. I was excited. My Stepfather walked me to school in the glorious September Sunshine. When we arrived, he crouched by my desk, smiled, and wished me ‘Good Luck’ on my first day back at school, and that he would see me later at our School Circus Production that my sister & I were performing in. This moment has been captured & bottled up in my memory that I’ll carry for the rest of my life.
If I knew that would be the last moment I’d see him, I would’ve said more, done more, and yet I live with the memory of him looking into my eyes before he walked away & out of my classroom to never see him again. Later that day, I was pulled from school, and from that moment, I felt as though everything happened in slow motion. The news was broken to our respective families, and now it wasn’t the only thing left broken. It felt like tiny splinters of glass shattered, inflicting pain and hurt on all those around us. All of us are consumed by the confusion, hurt, sadness & large dark emptiness that has been left within our lives. The question left outstanding of ‘Why?’ and how are we going to live through this?
16 years later, I still don’t have that answer entirely. On that day, part of myself left alongside you. This overwhelming amount of love, admiration, and respect was suddenly left with nowhere to go. Losing a loved one is a unique experience for everyone, but the void it leaves behind is a universal ache. The grieving process unfolds differently for each of us, a deeply personal journey through a landscape of sorrow, memories, and adaptation. There is no right or wrong way to mourn, and the path to healing is rarely linear.
Each day, month, and year presents a new set of challenges. A new set of complex emotions to conquer and understand. Yet the constant ache for your presence to be near remains. So the question I leave open to all: ‘Will this get any easier? Will the continuous dull ache in many hearts out there ever subside?’ The Answer.. Nobody knows! What we do know is that with each passing moment, we acquire the necessary tools to manage and cope with the daily challenges we’ll face across our everlasting journey through grief.
Growing up without you wasn’t a choice; it hasn’t been a journey I’ve enjoyed, but I hope, as
you watch over me, walking down the aisle at my wedding, and achieving all of my wildest
dreams, that there is pride in the impact you had on my life in such a short amount of time. That
there is pride in the life you’ve helped to create in the discomfort of your absence.
