Hey Bro,
We used to plan all the fun things we would do together in the future: the hikes we would take, the concerts and sports events we would see, the road trips we would make. Now those dreams will never come true. That is the hardest thing for me to let go of: the potential of those future happy memories we will never get to make.
I am grateful that as time passes, I mostly think about our fun times together - all the adventures we had and the laughs we shared. You were a deeply spiritual and loving person. No one knew me as well as you knew me. We talked about things that only brothers can talk about. I'm sad that your life ended how it did, but I am truly grateful for all of the good times, and I do believe you are at peace now, resting on the other side of the spiritual veil with mom and Aunt Pat.
We were so close that the evening after you passed, I saw your last moments of life through your perspective. Your feelings of fear, regret, and surprise that this was actually the end, as the ambulance took you to the hospital. I knew you didn't die on the street - nor in a medical facility - as I felt your last moments as if they were my own. I'm sorry you weren't surrounded by more compassion and love during your final breaths. I felt how your body became cold, and the world grew dark.
You also appeared to me in a dream three days later, screaming and sobbing in anguish, frustration, sadness and confusion. You were all alone and surrounded by a black void. That time of spiritual transition must have been terrifying and lonely. A few days later, you appeared in another brief dream - this time mom was hugging you from behind and soothing you. The black void had been replaced with white mist, and you looked calmer and more settled. This vision gave me great hope and peace; more than a belief in the afterlife, but an absolute knowledge that our souls continue on after they leave the body.
So I just send all my love, Shyam Bird. Bro Montana. Bro Namath. Jesus, Mary and Broseph. I love you bro, and I miss you. I forgive you for all the messes you made during your life - I tried to clean up for you the best I knew how. I'm mostly thankful for all the great times we shared together. The thousands of laughs and adventures. So many songs remind me of you, and movies, TV shows, and of course, family. Also, every time I see the number 45 - the age you were when you passed - I think of you and miss you. It's crazy how many times I see "45" every day. Perhaps your way of saying hello to me. Also, thanks for speaking in my head on that last trip to Vegas, and telling me what number was going to come up in roulette. That was crazy, and I'm glad I trusted my instinct that I wasn't just imagining it, and the whole table benefited from your wisdom from the other side. If you want to do that again in the future, I won't be opposed to it, ha ha.
So many words to describe you: creative, unique, handsome, athletic, fun-loving, silly, light-hearted, a true sports fan, music lover, tennis player, karate master, appreciator of nature, actor, editor, and spiritual devotee. But "loving" and "loyal" are the words that rise to the top. I really wish we could drive somewhere new together, go on an amazing hike, watch a sunset, and then watch the SF Giants play ball. Maybe go to a concert after. You really knew how to have a fun time and made things fun. You are missed and loved.