Submission 259

Dear Beautiful Ben,

I just miss you so much. I think about you every second of every day, and I think I’ll be sad about that for the rest of my life.

I miss so much about you. Your gorgeous smile, the little looks we’d share from across the room, the way you’d always get my favourite chocolate and would pull it out on the commute home. I miss how you knew I hated public affection but somehow always knew exactly when I needed it.

There’s so much I regret not telling you, wanting to act candid but I loved and miss the simplest of things the most, like watching you shower from my bed, the way you brushed your teeth, and only sleeping with the fan on, even when it was -1. The way you’d lose your keys every single time we went out and would spend the best part of the next day looking for them. I miss just lying in bed with you, especially after the coffee run — no words needed, just being together was enough. I now think, in those moments, did you ever think about telling me? Did you ever just want to roll over and completely open up? I know we did. But not to the extent that it probably needed. And I’m so sorry if you felt like you couldn’t.

I feel so much guilt for not asking more questions. I think I was really naive, and was trying to be there for you in other ways instead of asking the hard questions because, truthfully, I was scared you were going to stop letting me come and visit if I did. And that would have broken my heart.

I was convinced that even though you were hurting, we still had forever to go because I missed simple things, like you saying goodbye. I remember that day so clearly. It was like you were looking into my soul. I would love to know what you were thinking. I’m glad you have that ‘memorabilia’ with you forever.

We had so much time left to enjoy. I get really angry at the world that you’re not with me, but I try to take peace in the fact that (hopefully) you knew how much I loved you, how I would have done anything for you, and that you could carry that feeling as you left this world.

I wish more people knew about us. It’s been tough. Really tough. Missing you quietly. I get scared I won’t have someone to cheers with on your birthday or on the day you left us as the years go on. The little things that help keep you alive.

I spend those quiet moments thinking about all the things you’ll never experience, and all the things you should have been by my side for. I still text and tell you all the things I know you would have loved or found funny and I hope you get them!

I worry I’ll never find true happiness again, because you, gone, are still so much better than anyone else alive.

I hope you’ve found peace, and that you’re happy and safe wherever you are. And that you tell people about us there ;)

I have SO many questions. But selfishly my biggest question is if you thought of me that morning.

I love you, Ben. Always did and always will xx