Submission 253

Dear Mama,

Dear Mama,

It has been eight months since you left, and the pain is still unbearable. Every day brings new questions, with the same one echoing the loudest: why? I miss you every single day, Mama. It is not just a passing thought or a simple “I miss you,” but a deeper ache for the comfort of knowing I had my mum.

Some days I feel everything at once, and other days I feel nothing at all. That is the closest way I can describe grief. I have never wanted to say so much while saying so little, or felt so deeply while staying silent. I wish you had not felt so alone in your battle, but I know you would tell me to find peace. You fought for so long, and through it all you remained so strong.

The day your soul left this earth, a part of me went with you. My heart no longer beats in the same way, my eyes no longer see the world as they once did, and my mind no longer thinks as it did before. While I remain here in body, my soul is tied to yours, carried with you among the stars.

As time moves on, I am afraid of you becoming only a distant memory. I fear forgetting your voice, your strength, and everything you fought for your boys. Grief has become a constant presence, and I find myself mourning what could have been, what will never be, and what I could not change.

Your death has taken so much. It has stolen our conversations, our laughter, our trips, our moments of silence, our plans and our hope. Yet it cannot take you from my dreams, and that is where I will always go to find you.

Even though I know you are gone, I still struggle to accept that you will never return. My grief is a mixture of missing the person I once held and hoping your spirit has gone somewhere as beautiful as you.

People often say that you do not know what you have until it is gone. But what about those who always knew? The ones who never took a single moment for granted? The ones who tried with all their strength to hold on, only to watch helplessly as they lost the person they loved the most. For us, the pain is even greater.

I know I may never see your face again, yet I feel you with me still. It is as if you are a part of me, a presence I cannot touch but cannot lose. In the breeze, in the light, in music, in hummingbirds and dragonflies, I sense you. Perhaps my friends think I am mad, but they do not know grief as I do. Perhaps I am only a prisoner in my own mind, searching for a way to find the light again. Still, I am thankful for these moments. They are a small replacement for your calls and your messages, and I will take whatever I can, just to feel your love pressing warmth into my chest.

When the world forgets, I will remember. I will remember the warmth of your hands, even after they grew cold. I will remember the sound of your voice, though it has fallen silent. I will remember the way you cried, even without seeing your eyes. I will remember the life you lived and mourn the life you never had the chance to. No matter how much time passes, with every sunrise and every sunset, I will remember you even if the rest of the world forgets.

You had a sad death, but you are not a sad thing. Your life mattered, and your story is greater than its ending. I am sorry that thoughts of you often bring more tears than smiles, but you are so much more than sadness.

I will have to remember you longer than I knew you, and I do not think I will ever come to terms with that. Two things died that day: you, and my chance to ever feel whole again.

Yet through it all I am grateful. I am grateful that we existed together, and that you were and always will be my Mama.

I will never stop loving you. I will never stop missing you and I hope that you found your peace in the end.

Yours always,
Dovydas