Submission 195
My best friend Jon
Someone said to me that suicide doesn't remove the pain, it just moves it somewhere else and I've never felt truer words. The pain I feel that your gone is unbearable. You've left a hole in my life that can't ever be replaced. The pain I feel is so strong I don't ever think I'll stop hurting. A huge part of this pain is from the guilt I hold. The night you passed away you reached out to me like you had done so in the past. We had a unique friendship built on us both struggling and reaching out to each other. You always helped me and I always tried my best to help you. The hardest thing is that I knew how much you hurt. We had some pretty big and deep conversations, we trusted each other so much that we could be fully open. I thought I was helping you by listening and sharing the anger at how little help we got from professionals, but looking back I wish I betrayed the trust and risked our friendship to try and get you the help you deserved. You were a phenomenal man, you did amazing things with your life and ill always be proud of your passions and dreams. However I will always hate myself for being the one person who knew how much you were struggling and not saving you. You had so much to live for and we're so loved by everyone in your life.
I really don't think you could see how amazing you were. Your funny quirks and sense of humour hid your struggles. I know you just wanted to be seen as someone who was strong amd successful and I too tried to protect this, you were an inspiration and joy to have as a friend. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry that I couldn't help you when you needed me the most. Waking up to the last message you'd ever send me broke me. I read it and knew what you had done. I'm absolutely heart broken that your nothing here anymore. There's been so many times since you've gone that I've needed you and been saddened that your simply not here anymore. I know you felt like you were out of options, I just wish you had clung on a few more hours so I could call you back or take the journey down to you to sit and eat all the healthy snacks like we did so many times.
I'm sorry I let you down and I'm sorry that I haven't kept my life together either like I know you'd want me to. But truth is, the pain of feeling so responsible for your passing lives in me every day. All the pain you had, left you and I now hold onto it and feel it every day. I'm absolutely gutted not to have you anymore. You were at the time my safety and the person who held me together. And without you the world just seems a sadder amd darker place. One day I hope to have the strength and courage to use some of your inspiration to follow in your footsteps (literally) and do a marathon for charity and to raise awareness. You spent years doing this and raised so much for others and one day I wish to be able to do something in your name to celebrate you. Because even though you wouldn't ever believe me, you were amazing and did incredible things.
I'm so grateful that I knew you, you made my life bearable while we were friends, you brightened up my days when I was struggling and ill always hold your memories very close. I just wish you could still be here and still be my friend. I wish we could still laugh at all the crazy running you were planning and rubbish films that we would sit and watch.
It wasn't all bad. We had a laugh too. Sadly I remember only the sad parts so vividly.
I'm sorry I let you down. I will forever hold you in my heart and remember you. I wish you could have seen how wonderful you were. I miss you so much it hurts.