Submission 186
Dear G,
I can't believe the 2-year mark is just days away now; I can still remember the day my life as I knew it changed like it was yesterday but also so much has happened since then; I was in a car crash and my car was written off, I've adopted a puppy (you'd laugh but you'd also love him) and Rob got married (you'd have been so proud). Your brother and sister-in-law have also had a beautiful baby boy and have given him your name, which makes me so proud.
I cry less frequently than I did in the first 6 months, but I can feel my breath catch in my throat when I think about certain things, and it never fails to surprise me when that happens! Having said that, I have been more emotional recently and I’ve been having more difficulty concentrating at work again (a big thing since I lost you) in the last few weeks; I've been wondering what it could be, and I think it's the shock that nearly 2 years have passed and the feeling of permanence that has brought. I've also been worrying more recently about losing things and memories of you; my phone memory started getting too full last month, and I had a panic about how I'd keep all my photos of you. I also keep worrying that my forgetful mind will lose its memories of you, but a quote has popped up a few times recently, almost like a sign: "the mind replays what the heart can't delete". Some of these replays are so painful, but so many are also so wonderful and bring me so much comfort.
You should probably also know that I've met someone. Dating has been so confusing and so scary and has been such a battle between my guilt for 'leaving you behind' and hoping and wanting to see if I can have a happy future, even if it's not the one we had imagined and planned. I think you'd appreciate his love of rock music and running, as well as his patience with me.
I've asked myself "What would G do?" in so many situations and really try to take on some of the traits I admired so much in you; I've stood up for myself so much more strongly than I ever have before, I've thrown myself back into looking after my health and fitness, and I've pushed myself when I've really wanted to hold back and avoid confronting situations, and I hope that would make you proud of me.
I think about you every day and miss you more than you could ever know. I'll never forget our life together and will carry it into my future, along with the lessons you've taught me and the person you've encouraged me to become, even in your absence. It'll never be the same as having you here, but it's all I've got.
Miss you, caru ti xxx