Rebecca’s Experience
What phrase do you use most often to describe how your loved one died?
“Took her own life” or “died by suicide”
2. Did you struggle with that language?
Yes, I had always used the expression “committed suicide”, it was a phrase that most people my generation ( I’m 53) used and although I know it comes from when suicide was a criminal offence, I didn’t associate it with that. After my daughter died I was invited to a suicide conference by someone in the field and was told I was never to use that phrase as it was offensive, I was still struggling and felt even more hurt that someone would tell me what language to use to describe my grief and trauma. These days I don’t use the phrase anymore but when other people talk to me who haven’t been affected, they do use this phrase. I never correct them because we need people to talk about suicide and I believe if we start censoring language it may put people off discussing it all together.
3. How do you find having conversations about the person you’ve lost?
It’s difficult, I’m always conscious of upsetting people, I always get the impression that people don’t really want to hear it and although they seem sympathetic they appear anxious for me to change the subject and are relieved when I do so.
4. How do you find having conversations about your grief and what you’re going through?
When people ask how you are they don’t really want the answer, they want to know you’re moving on. Over the years I have become very adept at building protective barriers around my emotions. I think these days I can compartmentalise my feelings so am very selective who I confide in about my feelings. The only people I feel really comfortable talking about it to are other people who are bereaved by suicide
5. What do you think could make these conversations easier?
People actively listening or only asking the question if they want to know the answer. It’s also who do these conversations benefit ? As people who are bereaved we aren’t just here to teach other people about suicide , we need to have conversations to help our own healing and coping mechanisms. It’s really important to make it easy for us to meet other people in our situation and offer a choice in how that’s facilitated. For me SOBS was massively triggering but it does work for others, I run art groups for people bereaved by suicide , again it may not work for everyone but we need options in how we can connect.
6. Do you have tips for others in this situation?
Find your people. You now find yourself walking another path from where you expected to be, find people who are familiar with it , who understand and can help you particularly in the early days. There is no timeline, this isn’t ordinary grief, it comes with trauma and that is really difficult. Don’t put pressure on yourself or let others pressurise you into returning to normal. You have to find a new normal and take all the time you want to. Learn to say no.
7. Was there one thing you wish people had said or asked you after your bereavement?
I wish I hadn’t had the pressure to go back to work. I have found an amazing group of women who have all lost a child to suicide, it took me 5 years to find them. I spent 5 years living with trauma and gradually retreating into myself by which point I had given up work , rarely left the house and would only do so if my husband came with me. I wish I’d had that support network from the start.