Kevin’s Experience
What phrase do you use most often to describe how your loved one died?
“Killed herself”, “died by suicide”, “hanging”.
2. Did you struggle with that language?
Yes, very much so. I think the softer phrases traditionally associated with a death (passing, ill, died suddenly) are too soft to reflect the enormity of the experience. I think I settled on harder phrases because I also wanted to reflect my pain as well as my partner - to see the shock on someone else’s face so they’d have an idea of the shock and distress I was feeling.
I don’t like the phrase to “commit” suicide. One “commits” murder or a crime so using this phrase stigmatises the person in my view and criminalises the act.
3. How do you find having conversations about the person you’ve lost?
I like them! Perverse I know but it's cathartic. I guess I also want more people to understand what it’s like, to hear my story and to hopefully feel better or informed after having heard it.
4. How do you find having conversations about your grief and what you’re going through?
Again, I like them. It's partly because time has healed much of the pain of loss and left me with the ability to be somewhat more objective about what I went through. It is a very complex experience and a unique one but within every story there are common elements that are worth sharing. Whenever I hear of a new death by suicide, my first reaction is want to go and hug and talk to those that are left behind. To reassure them that they can be ok.
5. What do you think could make these conversations easier?
Leave aside the clinical and the diagnostic. Much of bereavement is associated with “process”, “counselling” “treatment” etc and less about advice, a chat, holding a hand etc.. The former can be off-putting for some people (“there must be something wrong with me”) especially men!
6. Do you have tips for others in this situation?
The best advice I had was that when your world feels disordered, reinstate order as quick as you can (i.e. go back to work, re-set the alarm clock, go back to the gym etc). Be kind to yourself. This is no normal journey.
7. Was there one thing you wish people had said or asked you after your bereavement?
No. But an aunt, who is religious, told me that “God gives a burden to those who can bear it”. I found this helpful as it made me feel there was a reason for my suffering and that rather than feeling weakened I should feel empowered.