Our Story- Esther’s Lived Experience

We never really got to the bottom of why Dom took his life, and, as I’ve come to realise, one of the hardest parts of losing someone to suicide are the ‘unknowns’, because in the absence of answers that make sense, we endlessly relive the days and moments leading up to the tragedy, and fill in the gaps in the form of what can amount to self-abuse, castigating ourselves for what we did, or didn’t do, creating a narrative of how it was somehow our fault that we lost our most precious loved one. A major part of my ongoing recovery from the devastating loss of my son has been to piece together the bits of what we did know, whilst recognizing that we all, Dom included, did the best that we could. 

From his late teens Dom suffered from periods of depression, which could lead to him feeling diminished, suffering crises of confidence, and debilitating social anxiety; that much we knew. But as he grew older it became apparent that these were only one part of cycles, because he also experienced periods of incredible happiness, in which he was fully engaged with life and all it had to offer (and Dom really did see opportunities and possibilities at every turn) He investigated whether bi-polar was the culprit, but this was never conclusively proved, although I think it’s fair to say that he was definitely contending with a mood disorder, and that, after years of courageously battling it out, he didn’t so much ‘give up’ (which would suggest he just accepted defeat without putting up a fight) as ‘give in’ to his condition (because, aged 30, he was now armed with enough evidence to come to the (correct) conclusion that he was in the grips of something over which he had no control, and for him his suicide was the only way of taking it back) 

Anyone who’s experienced trying to support someone living with a mood disorder will know that passively sitting by is not an option. As Dom’s Mum I didn’t so much witness the rollercoasters, as end up on them with him. It was always such a relief to see Dom emerging from his depressive episodes, so the ‘highs’ were initially welcomed, but they soon became equally distressing because I recognized that the ‘lows’ would come in their wake. At these times it took an effort of great will to resist feeling that the black cloud shrouding Dom hadn’t also descended on me and it was heartbreaking watching, helplessly, as my son descended into deep and dark sadness. 

Thankfully Dom was very honest about his feelings and a combination of medical interventions (anti-depressants and therapy) and healthy life-style choices plus the support we were all able to give him as a family meant we were able to keep him on an even keel for much of his twenties. And, whilst it was intensely painful knowing how despairing Dom felt when he was depressed, I am now grateful that his openness gave us all the opportunity to help him, and I recognize that this very likely extended his life and gave us precious extra years with him. 

And, despite the odds stacked against him, my son made such good use of his time on earth. He threw himself into life, travelled solo round South east Asia, wrote food-blogs, became a chef, helped out cooking and serving food in Homeless Shelters, did am-dram, public speaking, spoken word, stand-up comedy, he painted, did drum and bass d-jing, created glitch-art, played the piano, composing songs and beautiful pieces…I know I will have missed things out but that’s because there are so many things Dom experienced. And yet, in amongst all this, he was courageously fighting a personal battle with a mind that periodically, and inexplicably, took him hostage. 

I guess we all have things we see in our children that make us proud as parents. For me it is that Dom, in the face of personal disappointment at how difficult life could be for him, never lost sight of his humanity, never became embittered or felt sorry for himself, in fact if anything Dom became a kinder and more compassionate person because of his own struggles. He set up mental health meetups at a local pub, sent flyers out to advertise zoom meetings in Covid times to reach out to others struggling, and so many of the wonderful stories that have been shared about Dom since he died are from people who he supported when they were going through their own mental health challenges. 

I miss my son, sometimes intensely, every single day and of course, if anyone asked, I’d say that having him back again would be the best thing I could ever hope for. And yet, would it? Although every fibre of my being longs to see Dom again, I’ve come to realise that his decision to take his life was probably made in the knowledge that he alone could release us all, himself included, from the vicious cycles that hi-jacked his happiness. For me, the reality is that having him back would mean, once again, bearing painful witness to his living a life punctuated by episodes of turmoil and pain, knowing that I was powerless to help. I have come to believe that Dom knew there wasn’t going to be a happy ending, that our family would keep carrying the burden of his mental health condition for as long as he was alive, and that he didn’t want that for us, any more than he wanted it for himself.

 I can’t do any more to support Dom, but I’ve come to believe that my role now, as his mother, is to be a custodian to my son’s legacy, and I have total conviction that what he would want the world to remember him for is not how he died, but how he lived. So I’m delighted that I have been able, with my other son, to produce a book, ‘A Life of Food’, about Dom’s life, containing his own amazing food blogs, written at Uni and on his travels in Thailand and Vietnam and the Philippines, as well as wonderful memories of Dom from so many of the friends who loved him dearly too. Producing this book has not only been healing but has given us the opportunity to ensure who Dom was will never be forgotten and it is such a deep honour to be able to continue to carry his memory forward in this way, knowing that he can remain an inspiration to others in how to live their best lives, as he himself so magnificently and courageously did. 

Written by Esther Stanway-Williams

A LIFE OF FOOD ‘ON THE FLAVOUR TRAIL’ DOM STANWAY-WILLIAMS is available to buy priced £15, including postage and packaging, with ALL PROCEEDS going towards a local FOOD CHARITY which specializes in helping vulnerable local families and combating food waste, both causes dear to Dom’s heart. Please contact Esther Stanway-Williams at e.stanway-williams@hotmail.co.uk to purchase a copy.